Imagine certain events which could be lengthened by quadrennial silliness…
1. Birthday: the obvious for anyone over 50. It’s like dog years for people. I’m 15. Cool!
2. Eye doctor: Vision tests make me feel like a total failure. I haven’t passed one since fourth grade. Not only is it the command, “Read the bottom line,” (Uhhhh, there’s a bottom line?), but also the part when the doctor asks, “Are these letters clearer, or was the last set?” It can be obvious, but I often feel like I’m on Let’s Make A Deal: “Door number 1, 3, 2, no, wait, wait, I’ll take 1!”
3. Dentist: Technically, I go semi-annually, except for last year, when a Jolly Rancher pulled the back off of my front tooth’s crown. That was an expensive piece of crappy candy, which I will never again eat. But I digress; just think if the dentist could be on Leap Years, and my hygienic efforts –which they tell me are stellar- allowed a visit once every four years. Sweet!
4. Colonoscopy: If my math is correct, using leap year would mean I’d only have to drink that wretched gallon of Gatorade and Musinex once every twenty years, instead of once every five years. Okay, Miralax, Musinex, tomato-tomatoe, potato-potatoe.
5. Mammogram: Once every four years, would be, like having a carport instead of garage door slamming my “girls” on the concrete floor.
6. Pelvic Exam/PAP/rectal: Basically, anything down there, right? Every four years works for me. I don’t care how many times you’ve done this, it’s forever awkward.
7. Spring Cleaning. ‘Nuf said.
8. Work reviews. Ditto.
9. Tax Returns. Heaven!
10. Drivers License Renewal: Anything delaying the mug shot, written test and that damn vision test, (here we go again) to sixteen years, instead of four (in Illinois) sounds great.
Obviously, it is not prudent to have infrequent medical tests, as suggested above. I get that. This is just pretend. Everyone knows the valid reasons for annuals, semi-annuals or even quarterlies. Except for the time in 2012, when my mother, who was 87 at the time, was scheduled for a mammogram. Seriously? It seemed as dumb as giving her a pregnancy test. Cancelled it forever. Besides, she wasn’t even tall enough anymore to get her girls on the plate. Logically, if she didn’t have breast disease by 87, she probably wasn’t going to get it – or worse- die from it. These ten are just a start; no doubt there are other annual appointments you have, that I haven’t thought of. Do reply to me and share the quadrennial fun! Happy Leap Year!
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