WTH? (Where’s the humor)

Good Friday Morning! I didn’t mean Good Friday, exactly, or is it? In psychology circles, we call this, “Reality Orientation” and some of us a really struggling with simple things, like, “What day is it?”

SHORT BUT SWEET post today readers. My pinky is impaired. Yesterday I joined a sorority called “Phi Slamma Jamma.”  (See photo.) If you revise the song title, “I Fought the Vault and the Vault Won,” and you know I am a banker, then do the math.  A friend asked, “Burial Vault?” No, thankfully. It was a bank vault. OWWEEEEEE! I get shivers each time I replay it. The good news is that (1) I was the only person in the clinic waiting room, (2) it’s not broken and (3) the biggest loss will be a nail. To RN wrapped it with enough gauze to wrap my entire arm. Long story, short, you’d be amazed at how many times you use your left pinky to type. Who knew? If I speed up it’s going to look like this, “Aweather outsdike is cloudy aqnf Twainy,” (Weather outside is cloudy and rainy.) Sigh. I’ll be fine. I still mowed the grass and walked the dog.

THE (J)OYS OF ON-LINE GROCERY SHOPPING are numerous. I love it. I don’t need to squeeze the melons or look at the lettuce. They select for me. So far, so good. It’s not a perfect system, but perfect enough for me.

LAST SATURDAY I pulled in between two SUVs for my pick-up time slot. I meant to put my drivers license in the back where the hatch is. The clerk can easily ID me for a liquor purchase while social distancing. I also meant to leave a a ten dollar tip under the license. I love tipping hard workers. I stepped out of the car to take the money to the back when my body suit (AKA onesie) came unsnapped at the crotch. ZING! Think of your third grade teacher snapping the classroom window shade. That’s my onesie! I tried tucking it in the front and back of my pants, because to go through the gyrations of resnapping it in the crotch might raise eyebrows by the nearby drivers. ZING! There it went again. There was just too much memory in the elastic. The driver next door looked away, but I could tell she was laughing.  Finally, here came the clerk with my cart of purchases. I pointed out my ID and tip. She was appreciative. “Oh, I forgot the liquor. I’ll be right back.” Lordy, forget the Lima beans. Forget the lunch meat. BUT DON’T FORGET THE LIQUOR!

THE LIQUOR CART, with a different clerk, rounded the building corner. I figured I should tip her too, or she’d be mad at the other girl. She was appreciative. I headed home, unloaded my groceries and realized they’d omitted my dog food. We confirmed it paid for. They would send the dog food with Door Dash. How nice! I realized I should tip the Door Dash driver too. Man, this on-line method was getting pricey!

THIRTY-DOLLARS LATER and a major wardrobe malfunction, I found myself shopping online again. Not for groceries. I’m purchasing a device like our babies used to wear when their onesies got to short. It’s called a “crotch extender.” That should keep my window shade in place! Bw